Electro windmill erection

Many presumed that the Wind Turbine Proposals at the water treatment plant in Burntwood had been overturned, but South Staffs Water have announced that they are to fight the judgement.

Thanks to the Government making pretty mad eco-rules, we’ve got to stick loads of these up. This one is gonna be massive, it’s taller than Lichfield Cathedral and will be right next to Hammerwich. It’s gonna be bloody lovely.

Locals have already formed an alliance against the turbine, with original plans being overturned during 2011. We spoke to a local, who did not want to be named..

This isn’t Windy Miller. This is a tall turbine that you’ll be able to see as you come through Burntwood. Imagine waking up to hear that thing going ‘whoop whoop whoop’

Meanwhile, South Staffs Water are pressing on with their plans.

I don’t know why Burntwood residents are mouthing off, this will be providing electric for Lichfield residents anyway

 

“It’s like a drug”, say M6 Toll users

Last week a new report by the Road Haulage Association yet again confirmed that the M6 Toll is as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Jack Semple, Policy Director at the Road Haulage Association stated that, “The problem is it can’t attract enough traffic and at the same time there’s congestion on the other road”, but stopped short of saying, “Perhaps it’s the fact that you have to remortgage your house every month to use it”.

Midland Expressway, operators of the M6 Toll, continued to sit in the corner with their fingers in their ears, shouting “Nerr nerr nerr, can’t hear you.. Nerr nerr nerr..”.

Doctors were called when one M6 Toll Executive mentioned that “£53 to use it back and forth to work for a week is a good deal, I don’t see your problem.”

Burntwood residents still try to avoid the M6 Toll, however we spoke to a driver who was leaving the road..

I just came back from Birmingham Airport. I’ve only used it once this month, I swear. I’m trying to cut down, but it’s hard. The smooth, smooth tarmac and absolute lack of traffic… it’s just.. so… addictive..

Another driver told us that ..

I know a guy who did ‘the Toll’ 5 days a week. He had to sell his house recently to pay for it all. It’s terrible. He’s on a Government programme now to try and get off it. It’s like a drug. He tries to drive down the M42 at night, just to get the same ‘kick’, but it’s not the same.

Pothole problems plague Burntwood

Potholes. This week local newspapers headlines have highlighted the damage that whinging people can do. Instead of calling Staffordshire County Council (0800 23 23 23) or visiting FixMyStreet.com.. or using the Staffordshire County Council website.. or even reporting the issue online here, many residents have chosen to complain to newspapers instead.

Certain local residents were quoted as being “disgusted” at the state of the roads and seemed to expect the council to drive up and down every single road, street and cul-de-sac in the area 24-hours a day to monitor the appearance of pot-holes.

The residents also complained about the damage being done to cars, with suspension and wheel damage being caused by the potholes. They have argued that it’s impossible to see potholes at night, despite the invention of electric light and headlights being fitted to vehicles as standard. One resident who complained to the Burntwood Post stated…

“I was on the way home, it was dark and I went straight into a pothole. It knocked the beer and mobile phone out of my hand. It’s disgusting, they should be doing something about this.”

Snow insanity hits Burntwood

Many Burntwood residents are returning to to work after recent ice and heavy snowfall made driving conditions treacherous. The first few weeks of January saw constant sub-zero temperatures and thick snow, closing schools and forcing many people to stay at home.

The local Morrisons has seen panic-buying as many braved the weather to stock up on essential items such as bread, milk and a four-pack of lager. As the snow fell we spoke to customers leaving the store. One lady told us…

“It’s madness. I’ve not been able to get into work for the last 4 days. I only just managed to get here, it’s so dangerous. Yesterday I had a few issues driving to the Bull Ring, then I nearly had to stop for a coffee on the way to Tamworth to get some new boots for the snow.”

A member of staff questioned the need to panic-buy and, as many shelves quickly emptied, he suggested that people only buy what they need..

“Why do people think that they’ll not be able to get to the shops? We all got here fine. I saw this one lady shooting down the aisles in a trolley shouting, ‘Anarchy!!!’ with two loaves of bread in her hands. It’s not a pretty sight.”

One lady, who did not want to be named, told us..

“I rang work, told them I was stuck at home, y’know, like you do. The boss told me to stay at home, then I drove over to Wolverhampton to do a bit of shopping. I was in Debenhams and then, just as I was looking at the support tights, I spotted my boss feeling up some boxer shorts. We glanced at each other, had an awkward moment, then both walked off in different directions. I haven’t spoken to him since.”

Many schools have remained shut as teachers claimed that they were unable to get in following their two-week Christmas / New Year break. There has been widespread criticism towards teachers as schools close whilst other businesses remain open. We managed to speak to Mr Ramface from Burntwood Performing Arts and Science University Technology College School..

“People say that we don’t bother, but it’s the safety of the pupils we’re thinking of. It’s better to send them home so that they can fling themselves down big hills strapped to wheelie-bin lids, rather than being educated in a warm classroom. Teachers do work hard – I don’t have another week off until February – that’s at least 3 weeks full-time work from 9 until 4 every day. The constant criticism really isn’t fair.”

Snow has now left Burntwood and, whilst many may believe that the insanity is over, the local council has already started receiving complaints about refuse collections. Lichfield Council has already taken many calls from people asking gritters to clear their driveway and now, following the thaw, they’re handling calls from residents who have not had their bins collected. Mr Bin, from Lichfield Council, told us..

“Many callers asked us to grit their drive. We’ve had to politely tell them to go away. Others have complained that their road hasn’t been gritted, but we tend to prioritise roads that people actually use more often. Now people seem to be calling us about their bin collections. Sure, we’ve had to miss a few, but if you’re trying to drive a ruddy great bin wagon on ice it’s a little dangerous. Have you SEEN how heavy those things are? It’s not exactly a Renault Clio y’know and we have to consider public safety.”

As usual The Burntwood Blog will be monitoring the situation this week when more snow is forecast to arrive.

Whoop, Whoop. Here comes the police.

Police in Burntwood came out of hiding recently to lock up a band playing at The Oak at Sankeys Corner. A CCTV operator spotted what he thought was a weapon and the Police swung into action. The band, from London, have made the most of the PR and have mentioned how scared they were.gunpolice

Locals have expressed their thanks to the Police, who showed up quickly and were armed. One woman, Joan Scrimmage – who does not want to be named – said..

It’s about time. Why the hell are the Police apologising? If someone looks to be carrying a weapon and I dial 999 then I wouldn’t expect the Police to turn up hours later armed with nothing more than a menacing look would I? The Police did right. Yes, the band were probably scared and I would be too, but they should be lucky this isn’t America. They would’ve been tasered, shot and kicked to the ground.

Another resident stated that Police in Burntwood should take this same approach with hoodies..

Point bloody guns at the kids shouting abuse at my wife when she goes to the chippie, that’s what I say. That’ll soon shut the little f**kers up. What sort of a society do we live in when the Police can’t do their job without fear of reprisals?”.

Chavs with no respect still on the rampage in Burntwood

chavscumbasLocal pubs are closing and beer prices in the remaining few are rising. Luckily local shops are supplying feral chav scum with enough cheap lager to keep local residents bolted in their homes, afraid to go outside. Local Police Chief, John Flop, was recently criticised for not doing more to stop youths drinking in public and moving around in large groups. He responded by stating that…

“We’ve locked the local park, so now they can only get pissed up in the day. If we find them hurling abuse at passers-by and drinking huge amounts of cheap beer from back-packs we go into the parks and tell them off whilst wagging our finger at them in a very naughty way. It’s the way forward.”

Many locals have blamed a lack of local services and activities with some parents calling for a youth club or similar. Joan Strumpet, a mother of 8 children, told us..

“When my 14-year-old kids come home at 4 in the morning smelling of booze I know that they’re simply having a good time. They tell me that the knives are just for protection, so that’s OK. I don’t see what the problem is, as long as they get out the house so that one of my boyfriends can come over then I couldn’t give a sh*t”.

However, local resident Mary Jufflelup stated that..

“The little f*cking c**ts do whatever they want. The parents don’t give a rats arse and the coppers have no power to do anything. We should get back to the old days where the police can come down, whack them round the head with a truncheon and kick them all the way home. They’ve got no friggin’ respect those kids and no-one is stopping them or telling them what respect is. I’ve seen gangs of them shouting abuse at pensioners going to the shops. Even the girls will come out and swear at passers-by for no reason at all.

Personally I’ve bought one of those taser guns of eBay – I zap the little sh*ts when I go up to Sankeys Corner. When they’ve had 50,000 volts rammed through them it soon shuts them up. Oh, and as for not having any youth clubs, look what they did to the school – they set fire to it ! Get some national service on the go and teach them to respect people. They’re nothing but utter pond life but everyone is prepared to just shrug their shoulders and ignore it. B*stards”

Burntwood now world famous

A local resident has made Burntwood the most well-known place in the world over night. Terry Herbert went metal detecting one day and, after finding 16p in two and one-pence coins, found a massive collection of 1,500 gold and silver items dating back to the 7th Century.hoard1

The find includes a collosal 5kg of gold and 2.5kg of silver in a field near Hammerwich. Mr Herbert is currently at home trying to get the 17 TV vans and 23 newspaper reporters to move away from his house. We managed to get a few words with him as some reporters besieged his house…

“You lot and your Twitter feeds and Facebook accounts – every frigger in the planet knows where I live now, and the worst part is that I can’t even keep the ruddy gold. Apparently it’s “treasure” so the bloody QUEEN gets to keep it.”

“Do you know how long I’ve been sitting here watching those ‘Sell Your Gold’ TV ads? If I’d managed to break that crown up I could’ve got about £10,000 alone. Instead I’ve got the BBC, Sky News and ruddy Central News parked on my lawn buggering up my roses. Bugger off!”

Link – BBC News

The road is open again!

After several days of doing stuff, the council have now re-opened the main road through Burntwood. We spoke to several “Boy Racers” in the area with one saying..

“Thank god for that, I kept getting diverted over speed-bumps on the Church Road and it totally ruined the bucket-exhaust on my 1.2 Peugeot 106. Now at least I can get a good run-up to fly up the hill at 60mph before braking heavily at the speed cameras.”

Other residents complained that the diversion made them realise that there were actually other routes to get from Lichfield to Cannock, such as via the new by-pass or down the A5. We spoke to a mum taking her child to school during the disruption..

“I got tired of not being able to drive my son the 300 yards to school without disruption, so I had to buy a BMW X5 to get over the humps that the council created while resurfacing the road, it’s disgraceful.”

Weekly news round-up

After reading the local papers (which, given time you’ll learn I do a lot.. for material…) I’ve come to the conclusion that pretty much all (but mostly the Burntwood Post) have to follow a quota of stories. This quota MUST involve the following..

1) UFO Sighting of some description
2) Another story, saying that yet again, the UFO’s are in fact floating Chinese Lanterns
3) Story involving “the mystery beast” on the Chase

Each week stories involving these must be published without fail. Examples this week..

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ALERT ALERT – BIN ALERT!

bluebinsBurntwood, August 2009. All is calm (all is bright?)  The world is a good place.

Then…

Lichfield Council change the bin collections.

Uh-oh.

This week a tiny letter appeared detailing a new blue wheelie bin. The green boxes are going,  so too are the weekly collections apparently. It can only mean letter-writing, complaints, confusion and anger as people struggle to find a new home for their blue bin.

What to do ? There was a time when Brits used to put cars in their garages. Now there’s no room – we’ll have three wheelie-bins taking up as much space as a sofa. I feel sorry for those newly-built estates, where three-storey high houses and a stict “no parking on streets” rule applies. Where do all these bins live?

Green, black and blue. Where are you?