We spoke to Director Dick Brown from MEL as bailiffs removed furniture from his mansion..

It’s just a blip.

As mentioned every year, the M6 Toll provides effective relief from the M6. However, with the UK currently in recession, we took the decision to increase prices yet again and strangely people seem to be using the road less. We’re not entirely sure why this is.

Our reporter stopped a driver travelling down the Toll. He told us..

This no M6? You tell me toll road? Me no understand?

According to our sources, Midland Expressway are planning to deal with the loss by offering up the hard-shoulder as premium car-parking for local residents at £40 per day.

MEL have put out a quite hilarious statement to other press outlets stating that everything is fine and dandy, it’s the economy that’s at fault. In a statement to ITV (and one we didn’t actually make up for comic purposes) Thomas Fanning, CEO of MEL states…

The fact remains that up to 40,000 customers choose to use the M6 Toll each day.

Notice the use of the phrase “up to” there. When has your broadband reached the dizzy heights of “up to 8Mb/s” ? Probably once, when the V Festival was on.

Full story on ITV.com and the laughable explanation here.

We spoke to a driver at the Burntwood Toll booth, who was struggling to find the correct button to press on the unattended booths…

The last time I used this road there were at least two members of staff at these booths. Where the f**k have they gone? Didn’t they build that big-ass building over there for the staff? I’ve driven past these booths a few times and never seen anyone in there. How come they’re still ramping the prices up when they’re cutting down on staff?

When we told the driver about our calculations he seemed shocked..

Well, it’s a bit cheaper for me because this is a local booth, but it makes me realise why these machines have a credit card slot and a button saying, “Travel now, pay in 9 months”. It’s bloody madness.

The Burntwood Blog checked the local booths and found no way of paying with £5 notes as there were no staff on site. Coins, cards and tags seem to be the only option. We spoke to the owners of the M6 Toll at their mansion in the Carribean Island of St. Kitts. They told us..

Shove it up your arse. Burntwood? Is that the place Lichfield are trying to close down? Well, in answer to your questions, the booths at Burntwood are unmanned because we found that we could cream way more profit out of the suckers that use the road if we don’t have anyone to shout at. We ramp the prices up and then trap you behind a barrier. Then, if you press the buzzer for help, we pipe it through to Mandy who works at the drive-thru McDonalds in Cannock. Boom!

As for the specially-built staff-centre at Burntwood, we’ve converted it into a house and it’s being rented out at £1000 a month. Strangely, this is about how much it costs to travel on our road every three months. Ha! Suck on that!

Locals admitted that they were trapped between the unmitigated hell of the M6 or selling stuff on eBay just to get to work in less than 2 hours.

We spoke to several residents who remain in the town, as signs saying “Burntwood” were torn down by suited men in glasses. Rosemary Pines told us…

To be honest I wasn’t a massive fan of “The Burntwood Post” – that Mike Lockley was a bit nuts – but what have we got left? The “Cannock and Rugeley” Chronicle just publishes news about those two towns and, if I’m honest, the ‘Nock is such a sh*thole that they’ve got plenty of muggings, burglaries and thefts to cover. Yesterday I got the “Burntwood Mercury”, but to be honest I think they’ve made a mistake. They seem to think that Lichfield is the only place that exists.

Recent plans to build an Aldi, Lidl, Ikea or any other store with a strange-sounding foreign name have been thrown out by Lichfield District Council, blaming “road safety”, even though there’s a racetrack going from the Skoda garage to the M6 Toll.

Local campaigner, Roger Mihard, told us..

I get free papers giving me news from Cannock, Rugeley, Tamworth and Lichfield. They all seem to have forgotten about us. We’ve got parks that need repairing and roads that need fixing, but no-one seems to have heard of Burntwood.. apart from the Council Tax people… oh.. they’ve heard of the place alright.

Thanks to the Government making pretty mad eco-rules, we’ve got to stick loads of these up. This one is gonna be massive, it’s taller than Lichfield Cathedral and will be right next to Hammerwich. It’s gonna be bloody lovely.

Locals have already formed an alliance against the turbine, with original plans being overturned during 2011. We spoke to a local, who did not want to be named..

This isn’t Windy Miller. This is a tall turbine that you’ll be able to see as you come through Burntwood. Imagine waking up to hear that thing going ‘whoop whoop whoop’

Meanwhile, South Staffs Water are pressing on with their plans.

I don’t know why Burntwood residents are mouthing off, this will be providing electric for Lichfield residents anyway

As the buy rounded a bend a group of men riding off-road bikes came around the corner at speed and knocked him off. Although he wasn’t injured, we’d like to ask if anyone saw these people as they didn’t even bother stopping. That, if we’re honest, is a bit shitty.

Call Staffordshire Police on 0300 123 4455 quoting incident number 758 if you have any info, or go to the Staffordshire Police website for more info.

Jack Semple, Policy Director at the Road Haulage Association stated that, “The problem is it can’t attract enough traffic and at the same time there’s congestion on the other road”, but stopped short of saying, “Perhaps it’s the fact that you have to remortgage your house every month to use it”.

Midland Expressway, operators of the M6 Toll, continued to sit in the corner with their fingers in their ears, shouting “Nerr nerr nerr, can’t hear you.. Nerr nerr nerr..”.

Doctors were called when one M6 Toll Executive mentioned that “£53 to use it back and forth to work for a week is a good deal, I don’t see your problem.”

Burntwood residents still try to avoid the M6 Toll, however we spoke to a driver who was leaving the road..

I just came back from Birmingham Airport. I’ve only used it once this month, I swear. I’m trying to cut down, but it’s hard. The smooth, smooth tarmac and absolute lack of traffic… it’s just.. so… addictive..

Another driver told us that ..

I know a guy who did ‘the Toll’ 5 days a week. He had to sell his house recently to pay for it all. It’s terrible. He’s on a Government programme now to try and get off it. It’s like a drug. He tries to drive down the M42 at night, just to get the same ‘kick’, but it’s not the same.

Certain local residents were quoted as being “disgusted” at the state of the roads and seemed to expect the council to drive up and down every single road, street and cul-de-sac in the area 24-hours a day to monitor the appearance of pot-holes.

The residents also complained about the damage being done to cars, with suspension and wheel damage being caused by the potholes. They have argued that it’s impossible to see potholes at night, despite the invention of electric light and headlights being fitted to vehicles as standard. One resident who complained to the Burntwood Post stated…

“I was on the way home, it was dark and I went straight into a pothole. It knocked the beer and mobile phone out of my hand. It’s disgusting, they should be doing something about this.”

We would like to apologise to Midland Expressway Limited for inferring that their constant price increases are “idiotic”, “mental” and for calling them a “bunch of pissed-up crazies who know that people will be forced to pay no matter how much it costs because having your wallet ripped out is marginally better than sitting on the M6 for three hours and having to pee in your lucozade bottle”.

Despite rising fuel costs and hefty austerity measures imposed by the Government we’d like to applaud the M6 Toll for increasing prices in these hard times and would be happy to drive down their motorway at any time of the day.. because it’s usually empty.

We spoke to a Government spokesman who told us…

“Following the recent news that white children will be a minority in Birmingham we realised that this country isn’t big enough for the continuing immigration of people from other countries. Then, after the fifth pint, we all figured that bulldozing the forests of the UK would sort it. It’s f**kin’ genius I tell you.”

Locals are being advised to visit SaveCannockChase.org.uk to fight the proposed plans, which are currently at the consultation stage.

Unfortunately the size of the tree has shocked many residents. It measures a full 2″ in height and was delivered in a plastic bag in the dead of night. By contrast the tree on Swan Island, funded by contributions to The Rotary Club of Burntwood is several feet higher and has hundreds of lights.

Lichfield, meanwhile, has just had a larger Christmas tree installed in the centre of the City. The 20″ high Norway Spruce has several hundred lights and a 4″ fence similar to the new fencing around the historic Minster Pool. There’s also large decorations around the shopping areas and festivities planned over the next month.

We asked a local Councillor why Burntwood had only been supplied with a tiny Christmas tree and a set of broken, knotted Christmas tree lights. He told us..

Burntwood? Where’s Burntwood? Ohh.. That.. No, it’s not small – this is actually quite a large tree. However we’ve been informed that it’s actually a bonsai tree. They’re quite special actually.

Meanwhile the local Rotary Club will be asking for your donations to the Burntwood Christmas Tree on Swan Island. Please give generously.