The Burntwood Blog

Barney Rubble, spokesperson for the local “Get the ruddy dam fixed” campaign has been in contact with The Burntwood Blog to point out that repairs to the Chasewater dam won’t actually cost that much.

“Are you all mental?”, said Barney, “Here’s the facts. It’s going to cost £2.5 million to fix the Chasewater dam. Right? That’s a fact. Here’s another fact – there’s 40,000 tax payers locally. Right? Fact. Do the maths. Go on. If we divide 40,000 people into the £2.5 million we need then it’s £62.50 each.”

We challenged Barney, suggesting that a further increase in council tax would not bode well with voters. He responded by saying…

“What would you rather have eh? The council tax usually increases each year anyway. An extra £62.50 per year is about £1.20 per week. I’d rather pay that and stop my house from flooding personally. Heck, round it up to £2 per week extra and we could even build a nice bowling alley behind Morrisons or something.”

We’ve had a comment from someone purporting to be Local Councillor Doris English in our comments section. It’s in response to this news item. The item we published stated that her campaign, which warned of bruised ankles caused by cripples in wheelchairs, was perhaps a little misguided.

She has posted the following response..

“Who is crazy? The idiot who wrote that nonsense. Is it Libel shall I sue?”

First of all, we’d like to apologise for using free speech and we would like to point to our painfully obvious writing style. We would also like to point out that we didn’t mis-quote you.

Midland Expressway Limited have announced new prices for the M6 Toll, which runs through Burntwood and bypasses the congested sections of the M6. New toll prices mean that cars will need to pay £5 on the main toll plazas, with trucks paying £10. The M6 Toll are keen to point out that drivers will earn a whacking 5% discount each trip if they have a tag – a corking 25p. We spoke to an M6 Toll customer as he approached the Burntwood junction..

“It’s still a good deal. I’ve got a tag and you avoid all the traffic and.. wait, what did you say. A fiver ? Are they mad? Let me see now, I have to pay £1 per month for this tag thing, and they give me a 25p discount every time I go through a booth? I only use it once a week. Crap. I’ve totally ballsed this one up.”

Head of communications at the M6 Toll, Mr Peter Wifflebottom, told us that there was a freeze on prices during nights, local booths and weekends. He also stated..

“The Directors here were running a bit short on cash. Jeffrey had to cut back on the gold plating for his toilet last week, so we decided to whack the prices up again.”

When The Burntwood Blog asked why prices were still being increased while the financial climate remained gloomy, Peter stated..

“Ahh f**k them. We’ve got everyone over a barrel basically, just bend over and take it. It’s a fiver a day, so if you used it for.. say, 50 weeks of the year, that’ll be two and a half GRAND from one person! Ha! Result! TWO AND A HALF FECKIN GRAND !”

Mark Jones, a regular user of the toll, told us..

“It’s either get up early, sit in traffic for 2 hours, or pay these crooks a fiver and sink down in my seat knowing that I’m being robbed blind for every passing mile. I wouldn’t mind so much, but I go north from T6 – that’s about a pound a mile!”

For more information, read the M6 Toll news release.

Many Burntwood residents are returning to to work after recent ice and heavy snowfall made driving conditions treacherous. The first few weeks of January saw constant sub-zero temperatures and thick snow, closing schools and forcing many people to stay at home.

The local Morrisons has seen panic-buying as many braved the weather to stock up on essential items such as bread, milk and a four-pack of lager. As the snow fell we spoke to customers leaving the store. One lady told us…

“It’s madness. I’ve not been able to get into work for the last 4 days. I only just managed to get here, it’s so dangerous. Yesterday I had a few issues driving to the Bull Ring, then I nearly had to stop for a coffee on the way to Tamworth to get some new boots for the snow.”

A member of staff questioned the need to panic-buy and, as many shelves quickly emptied, he suggested that people only buy what they need..

“Why do people think that they’ll not be able to get to the shops? We all got here fine. I saw this one lady shooting down the aisles in a trolley shouting, ‘Anarchy!!!’ with two loaves of bread in her hands. It’s not a pretty sight.”

One lady, who did not want to be named, told us..

“I rang work, told them I was stuck at home, y’know, like you do. The boss told me to stay at home, then I drove over to Wolverhampton to do a bit of shopping. I was in Debenhams and then, just as I was looking at the support tights, I spotted my boss feeling up some boxer shorts. We glanced at each other, had an awkward moment, then both walked off in different directions. I haven’t spoken to him since.”

Many schools have remained shut as teachers claimed that they were unable to get in following their two-week Christmas / New Year break. There has been widespread criticism towards teachers as schools close whilst other businesses remain open. We managed to speak to Mr Ramface from Burntwood Performing Arts and Science University Technology College School..

“People say that we don’t bother, but it’s the safety of the pupils we’re thinking of. It’s better to send them home so that they can fling themselves down big hills strapped to wheelie-bin lids, rather than being educated in a warm classroom. Teachers do work hard – I don’t have another week off until February – that’s at least 3 weeks full-time work from 9 until 4 every day. The constant criticism really isn’t fair.”

Snow has now left Burntwood and, whilst many may believe that the insanity is over, the local council has already started receiving complaints about refuse collections. Lichfield Council has already taken many calls from people asking gritters to clear their driveway and now, following the thaw, they’re handling calls from residents who have not had their bins collected. Mr Bin, from Lichfield Council, told us..

“Many callers asked us to grit their drive. We’ve had to politely tell them to go away. Others have complained that their road hasn’t been gritted, but we tend to prioritise roads that people actually use more often. Now people seem to be calling us about their bin collections. Sure, we’ve had to miss a few, but if you’re trying to drive a ruddy great bin wagon on ice it’s a little dangerous. Have you SEEN how heavy those things are? It’s not exactly a Renault Clio y’know and we have to consider public safety.”

As usual The Burntwood Blog will be monitoring the situation this week when more snow is forecast to arrive.

Police in Burntwood came out of hiding recently to lock up a band playing at The Oak at Sankeys Corner. A CCTV operator spotted what he thought was a weapon and the Police swung into action. The band, from London, have made the most of the PR and have mentioned how scared they were.

Locals have expressed their thanks to the Police, who showed up quickly and were armed. One woman, Joan Scrimmage – who does not want to be named – said..

It’s about time. Why the hell are the Police apologising? If someone looks to be carrying a weapon and I dial 999 then I wouldn’t expect the Police to turn up hours later armed with nothing more than a menacing look would I? The Police did right. Yes, the band were probably scared and I would be too, but they should be lucky this isn’t America. They would’ve been tasered, shot and kicked to the ground.

Another resident stated that Police in Burntwood should take this same approach with hoodies..

Point bloody guns at the kids shouting abuse at my wife when she goes to the chippie, that’s what I say. That’ll soon shut the little f**kers up. What sort of a society do we live in when the Police can’t do their job without fear of reprisals?”.

Local Councillor Doris English has been sectioned under the mental health act after trying to gain support for her “bruised ankles” campaign. Doris English, who is Councillor for St Johns Ward in Lichfield on both City and District Council, was taken away in a van following this press report at the weekend.

Writing in her blog recently she stated that..

“I am fully aware of problems when a mobility scooter causes injury. I have had my ankles knocked.”

Fears for her sanity were first raised when she stated that disabled owners should apply for insurance before owning one and that they, “travel at up to 8 WHOLE MILES PER HOUR!!” She also caused distress by stating that one mobility scooter owner was “swinging around and whooping for joy”. Many have questioned why she would make these claims when she is currently Chairman of the Disability Partnership Panel.

John Smedley, Director of Disability UK, told us..

“The crazy old woman needs to step down. Some disabled people do whoop and swing around – that’s usually part of their disability. She wants to sort out her priorities a bit. She’s moaning about her bruised ankle? The guy that accidently knocked into her was a double amputee. She’s got no reason to complain.”

We spoke to a disabled mobility scooter owner in Lichfield. He told us..

“Have you tried driving round one of these ? Shops are designed for people with legs, and on Saturdays there’s thousands of people in Lichfield town centre. I’m bound to bump into one or two people, it doesn’t mean I’m a reckless boy-racer does it?”

Another scooter owner told us..

“I’ve got a little more than a chuffin’ bruised ankle. What planet is this woman on? She’ll be accusing fire alarms of making too much noise next!”

Speaking on behalf of Staffordshire NHS Mental Health Unit, Geoff Cuku told us..

“It’s the most severe case of insanity we’ve ever seen. She’s currently in our new “ex-MP and local Councillor” ward. We’ve seen a marked increase in admissions from Government workers”

Doris English pictured below..

Local pubs are closing and beer prices in the remaining few are rising. Luckily local shops are supplying feral chav scum with enough cheap lager to keep local residents bolted in their homes, afraid to go outside. Local Police Chief, John Flop, was recently criticised for not doing more to stop youths drinking in public and moving around in large groups. He responded by stating that…

“We’ve locked the local park, so now they can only get pissed up in the day. If we find them hurling abuse at passers-by and drinking huge amounts of cheap beer from back-packs we go into the parks and tell them off whilst wagging our finger at them in a very naughty way. It’s the way forward.”

Many locals have blamed a lack of local services and activities with some parents calling for a youth club or similar. Joan Strumpet, a mother of 8 children, told us..

“When my 14-year-old kids come home at 4 in the morning smelling of booze I know that they’re simply having a good time. They tell me that the knives are just for protection, so that’s OK. I don’t see what the problem is, as long as they get out the house so that one of my boyfriends can come over then I couldn’t give a sh*t”.

However, local resident Mary Jufflelup stated that..

“The little f*cking c**ts do whatever they want. The parents don’t give a rats arse and the coppers have no power to do anything. We should get back to the old days where the police can come down, whack them round the head with a truncheon and kick them all the way home. They’ve got no friggin’ respect those kids and no-one is stopping them or telling them what respect is. I’ve seen gangs of them shouting abuse at pensioners going to the shops. Even the girls will come out and swear at passers-by for no reason at all.

Personally I’ve bought one of those taser guns of eBay – I zap the little sh*ts when I go up to Sankeys Corner. When they’ve had 50,000 volts rammed through them it soon shuts them up. Oh, and as for not having any youth clubs, look what they did to the school – they set fire to it ! Get some national service on the go and teach them to respect people. They’re nothing but utter pond life but everyone is prepared to just shrug their shoulders and ignore it. B*stards”

Deep down we’re thinking that the photographer knew what was going to happen here…

A local resident has made Burntwood the most well-known place in the world over night. Terry Herbert went metal detecting one day and, after finding 16p in two and one-pence coins, found a massive collection of 1,500 gold and silver items dating back to the 7th Century.

The find includes a collosal 5kg of gold and 2.5kg of silver in a field near Hammerwich. Mr Herbert is currently at home trying to get the 17 TV vans and 23 newspaper reporters to move away from his house. We managed to get a few words with him as some reporters besieged his house…

“You lot and your Twitter feeds and Facebook accounts – every frigger in the planet knows where I live now, and the worst part is that I can’t even keep the ruddy gold. Apparently it’s “treasure” so the bloody QUEEN gets to keep it.”

“Do you know how long I’ve been sitting here watching those ‘Sell Your Gold’ TV ads? If I’d managed to break that crown up I could’ve got about £10,000 alone. Instead I’ve got the BBC, Sky News and ruddy Central News parked on my lawn buggering up my roses. Bugger off!”

Link – BBC News

Owners of the M6 Toll, Midland Expressway Limited, have announced price changes for users of the motorway along with new services for customers. From now on, anyone using the road will have a choice of tariffs and extra services, but the price for using the road will increase slightly. Speaking of the changes, MD Rob McFluff stated..

“I firmly believe that the M6 Toll is an immense success and we’re easing congestion for road users. However, our own figures show that the the level of traffic on the M6 Toll has dropped in the last year, so we want to do something to address that. Although this does mean further price increases, we’re hoping that our extra services will attract further custom to the road.”

From next Tuesday the M6 Toll will increase the cost to normal car owners through the main plaza to £10 per journey. This, however, will include a free windscreen clean when you enter the booth and an inclusive bottle of Evian. A “No Frills” option will also be available at £8 per journey, but you will be restricted to driving on the hard-shoulder, which will be coned off from the main carriageway.

“We’ve found that the hard shoulder is pretty pointless”, said Mr McFluff whilst detailing the new payment option, “If you can afford to drive on the M6 Toll then you’re probably driving a new car that won’t break down anyway, so we’re going to fill up that particular lane with people of limited income – it’s a bit like steerage on the Titanic. If they break down then we’ll ask everyone behind to push the car out of the way – or they can upgrade to the normal £10 per-journey price.”

Critics have condemned the price hikes, which come in the midst of a global recession. Midland Expressway have hit back, with Public Relations office Mick Glop stating..

“You’re paying nearly £5 to go up it and nearly £4 for a local booth already. Who’s the mug? It’s not us, we’re loaded.”

Other payment tariffs include the “Sport” pack, which allows unlimited speeds in the outside lane for £15 per journey. This has caused outrage amongst safety groups, with some calling the move “insane” and “immoral”. We questioned Mr McFluff on this matter. He responded by saying…

“We’ve conducted a study on traffic moving along the M6 Toll and found that 80% of cars are travelling at more than 85mph, with three-quarters doing more than 90mph. Whilst performing this research we also spotted an Aston Martin doing 145mph – you should’ve seen it, I thought all the other cars were parked up”

“We’re introducing this premium price-plan for those wishing to use the outside lane. We’ll then use £2 of the profit to fund extra speed humps on roads near to the Toll, thus slowing traffic on competing roads.”

Midland Expressway Limited have plans to implement even more “special Toll Tariffs”, including a special £25-per-journey plan where drivers can pull over at either end of the Toll and have a member of staff drive their car to the other end. This, it is said, will allow the driver to sleep or perform work on their laptop or mobile phone. “We have other plans on the drawing board for tackling our dropping traffic numbers”, stated Mr McFluff, “These include a £25 drive-and-gamble tariff with inclusive gaming at our newly opened Casino in the services and more”.

Current prices for the M6 Toll, which works out at around £9.40 for a return trip through the main plazas in a car, is available here.